Armageddoff
by Lel42
Summary: The time has come for Amargeddon, but God has overslept. In the ensuing chaos He finds that the world has changed beyond all recognition, and sends Gabriel to investigate. Now read on…
1. Preprologue, Prologue, Epilogue

-1Author's note: This is the work of a fevered imagination. Please take the time to tell me what you think.

Full Summary: The time has come for Amargeddon, but God has overslept. In the ensuing chaos He finds that the world has changed beyond all recognition, and sends Gabriel to investigate. Now read on…

Part 1 - the Creation of the Universe.

Pre-prologue.

Before the Beginning there was Space. Space was, in order of things, a) cold - incredibly cold, b) black - I'm saying real pitch black, blacker than a coal minder's armpit black, c) lonely - completely on his own, no change in sight lonely, d) bored - permanent state of yawning bored, and e) incredibly tiny, I mean minute, no room two swing a cat even if you had one, I mean _little_.

Well Space had got to the stage of deciding to do away with itself because of the five reasons already given, when it noticed a tiny gold light, down and slightly to the left. Space expanded a bit and the light grew stronger, and larger, so keeping the bit of itself where the light was the same size he contracted himself so that he could see into the light.

What he saw was a perfectly equipped Physics lab (that's Physics as in magnetism, electricity and such like and not Physics as in tummy upsets and hangovers). In the lab a young Being was hurrying around joining cables here and power supplies there and humming to himself as he worked. The Being was of average size with ginger hair and beard, wearing a lab coat, a pair of very tasteful green, blue, pink and yellow jockey shorts, and open-toed sandals. Space decided to settle down and see what was going to happen; after all, nothing really drastic could happen… could it?

The Being connected the last lead and stood there checking his machine dials, and having dried his suddenly damp hands on the hem of his lab coat he reached slowly for the main switch. Space strained forward in anticipation. The Being's hand closed on the switch and threw it… Nothing happened. The Being swore and kicked the machine, Space relaxed for the last time in its existence as with a screaming whine all the dials on the machine climbed into the red, and….

………………………………...

Prologue.

In the Beginning were the Words, and the Words were "Oh shit it's going critical! Please help me, I don't want to die!" There followed the most incredibly stupendous, ear-splitting silence. Silence, you might ask? Well, working on the principle that if a tree falls faraway in a dense jungle and no-one hears it does it make a sound? And seeing as the only sentient being around (Space was too busy expanding to hear anything) was lying squeezed up in a corner with his lab coat over his head, showing off his amazing Technicolor boxers, his fingers stuffed in his ears and humming what will one day become the hit tune 'Born Free'… perhaps we will settle for a "Big Phut".

At this moment Time started. Well, to be exact, owing to being a bit disorientated by the suddenness of events, Time tried to go first backwards, then sideways, and up and down, before settling on forwards. Unfortunately this made it 23.07 nanoseconds late, a period it has been trying to catch up with ever since.

Epilogue.

Well, that's that then. Everything turned out all right then. Things worked out all right in the end really. Didn't they? Well, it did, didn't it? PLEASE SAY IT DID!


	2. Chapter Next

Chapter Next

Being a very brief history of the Earth's important Biblical moments!

Kerboom – see Prologue.

Pause.

Crunch, chew chew chew, swallow. "Get out!"

Pause.

Pitter patter pitter patter glug glug glug. "By gum, it's a good thing I had the plans upside down when I built this shed. Come on fellers, two at a time!

Pause.

"All together folks, left right left right, I love to go a-wandering along the desert tracks, la la la la la la la la, my worldly goods on my back."

Pause.

"Well, I can't hang around here all day."

Pause.

Toot-toot-tootle-toot!

Pause.

Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop - "Eeeeeek!"

The end?


	3. Chapter The One After The Last One

-1Well hello again. Sorry about the pause but you know how it is. A few drinks and a vindaloo and you spend the next day on the toilet with your backside doing a passable impression of a space shuttle booster rocket and the last thing you want to do is write. Correction, the last thing you want to do is die, but failing that the last thing you want to do is write.

So before I begin I suggest we all pop to the kitchen for a coffee and a paracetamol and then we'll meet back here and get on with things, ok? Don't be late 'cos we won't wait for you.

Right, everyone here? No, I see a few of you are missing. Well we've got to get on so they'll just have to read faster to catch up.

Time passes. It does that you know. One minute you've got plenty of it, the next zilch, run out.

We are now in Heaven, outside the home of Big G himself. This looks like a typical suburban bungalow with a plate on the gate giving the name as Duncreatin'. We open the gate, walk up the crazy paving path and open the front door and step into the hallway.

How do I describe the hallway? To the right it stretches away to the horizon with the walls glowing with an inner light. To the left is a desk the size of a football pitch manned by an angel. Behind the desk are massive bronze doors leading to the inner sanctum. Marble pillars are placed at intervals soaring up to the ceiling which is so high it has its own weather system and the pillars disappear into the cloud base (You've got to admire the craftsman who constructed those pillars, balancing all those little glass balls on top of one another). The floor, which stretches away as far as the eye can see, is tastefully covered in a dark blue fitted carpet with a pretty pink floral pattern.

The angel Gabriel can be seen pacing up and down the floor, each time he reaches the desk he glances at the angel who shakes his head and he turns and walks away again. He has been doing this for a long time; in fact he has worn quite a groove in the carpet. As he paced he saw two old men sitting on a bench talking. He recognises them as Moses and Joseph the carpenter. He stopped to listen to the conversation.

"I ask you," said Joseph poking Moses in the midriff, "what have sons come to? You raise them for thirty years and teach them a good trade; there will always be a need for carpenters, and what do they do? I'll tell you what they do, they up and tell you they're off to be an itinerant preacher. Now I ask you, where's the prophet in that?" There was a momentary pause and then came a noise like a rusty hinge being opened as Moses started to laugh, the noise getting louder until he started to choke. Joseph rose from the bench and patted him on the back. "You'll be alright," he said. "Just keep taking the tablets."

Gabriel turned and walked back to the desk. The angel was just going to wave him away when the door opened behind him and a cherub poked his head out and called for coffee. The angel picked up the house phone and waved Gabriel into the room.

Big G looked up as Gabriel entered and signed for him to sit on the bed beside him.

"What's up, Gabe?" he asked. "I hear you've been waiting to see me."

Gabriel cleared his throat. "Earth?" he said.

"Earth?" queried Big G.

"Earth," affirmed Gabriel. "You know, pretty little place, Adam and Eve, only begotten son. You remember?"

"Yes, of course I do," said Big G testily. "I am impotent you know."

"Omnipotent," corrected Gabriel.

"OK, OK, Mr Clever Clogs whose read a dictionary. What about it?" Big G snapped.

"Well," said Gabriel, "if you remember. Six days you laboured day seven you rested, day eight you overslept, consequence? No last trump, no end of the world!"

"Why no last trump?" demanded Big G. "You don't need me for the last trump. I don't have anything to do for Judgement Day so why didn't you get on with it?"

"Trumpet," said Gabriel. "Locked in your safe and only you can open it!"

"Is that all?" replied Big G, sliding off the bed and walking across to the rather impressive looking safe that took up all of one wall of his bedroom. A safe, let it be known, that incorporated the skills of every locksmith who had ever lived. He paused, rubbing his fingers dry on his nightgown, a striking confection of green, blue, pink, yellow and red stripes which ended at the knee, took a deep, calming breath and then, forgetting his feet were bare, he kicked the door of the safe. What happened next was:  
A) He danced around the room holding his right foot and using language  
not in keeping with his position, and  
B) The door slowly swung open.

There was a momentary cessation of sound, a pausing of time, and then Gabriel turned to Big G and stuttered, "The bloody thing was open all the time? I could have got the bleedin' thing whenever I wanted, all that waiting for nothing?"

Big G thought for a moment and then replied, "Yes."

Gabriel walked to the safe and picked up an object wrapped in purple satin. He slowly opened the cloth to reveal a beautifully crafted trumpet which he held with reverence. "Right," said Big G, "you'd better get on with it!" Gabriel walked to the centre of the floor, raised his hand in salute and popped out of existence. As he disappeared something shiny dropped out of thin air and landed on the floor with a tinkling sound. A split second later a disembodied arm appeared, felt around, found the object, picked it up and disappeared and a distant voice said, "Dropped the mouthpiece."

Big G sat on his bed and waited for his coffee.

Gabriel popped back into existence in an orbit about 1000 miles from Earth. He gazed at it for a few seconds. It was a pretty blue and white little planet and in various positions around it little satellites glittered in the sunlight and to his left the moon shine like silver against a backdrop of black velvet studded with jewel like stars.

Gabriel turned his attention to himself. Pure white raiment check, golden wings and halo check, and last but not least one golden trumpet minus mouthpiece. Gabriel panicked for a second as he hunted through his pockets and at last found it.

50 miles away a Tyncan II satellite studied Gabriel. Nothing much had happened in inner space since Tyncan had been launched 849 years ago. True, there had been the odd rogue asteroid to deal with but otherwise nothing, now suddenly this thing had appeared without warning armed with what his history files identified as a golden projectile delivery device called a musket.

Gabriel fitted the mouthpiece to the trumpet, licked his lips, slowly raised it to his lips, and took a deep breath, and . . .

Tyncan saw the apparition raise its weapon and point it at the earth and more importantly at him. He pondered, was this an act of aggression? In less than a nano second the answer came: Yes! Tyncan opened fire with everything he had. Lasers, masers, phasers, razors in fact a whole alphabet of asers hit Gabriel, plus a kitchen sink and a grand piano which dropped from a great height onto him. Gabriel took the only obvious course of action open to him - he scarpered!

Just before he blinked out he saw a light spring out of the satellite and a message was scrolled across the firmament. It read, You have just been zapped by a TOYOTA TYNCAN II for further information on this and other similar products contact Remember, the missile coming at you is a TOYOTA! Have a nice day! Tyncan switched off the advertising, chuckled to himself and went back to sweeping space, pausing only to zap an innocuous passing meteor.

Gabriel popped back into existence in Bog G's bedroom. Big G was just coming out of his dressing room. He was now dressed in a powder blue suit, grey shirt, dark blue tie with thin gold stripes, and fluffy pink bunny slippers. He saw Gabriel was looking at his feet.

"Broke a bone opening the safe," he muttered.

"Well, why don't you heal it?" asked Gabriel.

"Can't," replied Big G. "It's my toe that's broken, not my heel!"

Big G looked Gabriel up and down. He noted the holes and scorch marks on the now off-white raiment, the singed beard, the battered and twisted halo, the smoke rising from his collar, the pretzel shaped trumpet, the sink plug hanging around the neck like a necklace. Oh, and the two white and one black piano keys caught in his hair. Big G thought it wiser not to mention these at this moment in time. He cleared his throat.

"Have some trouble?" he asked gently.

"No, thank you," muttered Gabriel. "I've just had some."

"Sorry about that," said Big G. "Tell me about it." Gabriel took a deep breath and after counting to ten several times launched into the story of his misadventures. When he had finished his tale of woe Big G sat and stroked his beard.

"I had a feeling that something wasn't right on that Earth place," he said. "So after you had gone I had some checks done and it seems there is no evil there, everyone lives long and happy lives. In fact," at that moment there was a knock at the door and a minor angel slipped in, handed him a scroll and scurried out again. Big G scanned the scroll and looked pensive.

"It seems," he said, "that over the last eon or so that the number of souls coming up here has been dropping steadily. Them that keep records of these things, you know, Peter and his lot, just assumed that they were going the other way, but after quizzing the latest group of squaddies it seems that people just don't die unless they want to, and most people feel they are better off where they are."

"What about the Unholy Four?" asked Gabriel. "You know, Death and his mates?"

"Well," said Big G, referring to the scroll, "it seems that they got tired of waiting to be called and after joining up with a bloke called Prince Charlie formed a professional polo team and made a fortune. Since then War has joined CND, Famine has joined a charity in Oxford, Pestilence is doing research work into a panacea to wipe himself out and Death is making a killing on the after-dinner talk circuit." He paused for a minute and then said, "Look, I think you had better pop down to Earth to have a nose around and find out what's going on. In fact, start off with my other half first."

"Right," said Gabriel. "I'll get straight onto it."

"I should get changed first," said Big G. "There's a sizeable hole in the back of your raiment which shows the hole of your body!" Gabriel pulled his clothing and his dignity around him and left the room.


End file.
